MOVIE REVIEW: ARMORED

Four of Seven Cows

I could hardly have expected less upon entering a theater than I did when I went to see Armored. First, I’ve seen no promotion of this film at all: not a trailer, not an ad, not an actor touting the greatness of it on Leno or Letterman. Secondly, the director’s name is Nimrod Antal. I kid you not: Nimrod. How is that even possible? So, to say that I wasn’t expecting much is an understatement. Imagine my joy, then, at finding Armored to be not awful.

I won’t pretend that torching a movie in a review isn’t a lot of fun. I get to be mean, vindictive, snarky and generally unpleasant, and it’s all okay because I’m a “critic.” Society requires me to be nice the rest of the time, if for no other reason than so people won’t beat me up. Well, now I’m old and being beaten up hurts more than it used to – and when did girls learn to throw a decent punch, anyhow?  But I digress. What I mean to say is even if torching a flick is fun, watching a bad movie is still tough duty.

So when I have to drag myself to see a flick, and it turns out okay, that’s a good thing. Well, Armored is not a great movie, but it’s not a bad way to spend an afternoon, either. Starring Matt Dillon, Lawrence Fishburne, and newcomer Columbus Short, Armored is the story of a heist of an armored car gone bad. Though in no way in the same league as Reservoir Dogs, and stylistically similar to something Vin Diesel might star in, Armored still manages to be a fairly compelling and fun action movie.

The performances are all good, given the material, though there is one stand-out: Columbus Short. This guy is just likable and sympathetic, and seemingly poised for a breakout performance like this. It’s too bad it’s in a movie that flies so far below the radar, as few will see this. He’s good, though, really good, and I’ll enjoy seeing his career progress.

Language and violence are about what you’d expect for a movie of this type, but there’s no sex. Actually, aside from Lorna Raver making a brief appearance as a child welfare agent, I don’t recall a single female cast member. So, the no sex thing is worth a couple cows in itself, and that brings the total to four.