MOVIE REVIEW: BRUNO

Zero of Seven Cows

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs looked perfectly appealing. Sure, it was animated, and while I almost never want to see an animated movie, I almost always enjoy them when I do. So what was I thinking when I decided to see Bruno this week instead? Well, as with most of my life’s psyche-damaging decisions, I can’t really say I put that much thought into it. One was a kid’s movie, the other an edgy comedy, and hey; I’m an edgy kinda guy.

             

Well, apparently I’m not an edgy kinda guy. In fact, it seems I am a humorless puritan of the very sort I used to enjoy horrifying.

             

Anyhow, I’m afraid I can only review the first half-hour of Bruno because, in all honesty, thirty minutes was all I could stand. This movie is crude, offensive, vulgar, and as visually unappealing as it is possible to be. There is nothing in this movie that anyone needs to see, and I am someone that liked Borat.

             

Another mockumentary by Sacha Baron Cohen, Bruno documents the attempt of a gay Austrian model to become “…the first Austrian superstar since Hitler.” In the first half-hour of this masterpiece we are treated to extreme gay sex – and I mean EXTREME GAY SEX – gymnastic genitalia, and other vulgarities that truly boggle the conscience. Still, there was nervous laughter throughout the theater, which, frankly, I found disturbing. Is this what we’ve come to? Really? It was my job to be there, and I couldn’t stomach more than thirty minutes. To continue having any faith at all in my fellow man I will assume there was a flood of viewers exiting the theater in my wake.

            

 I have since read several reviews of Bruno that said things along the lines of “…sure it’s crude, vulgar, offensive, etc… but there’s witty social commentary.” Whatever.  There are no conceivable societal insights of such relevance that they could compensate for making one want to plunge a cocktail fork into their eyes. Anyone who has seen this pile of dung and disagrees is encouraged to write and explain themselves, but do know that you’ll be forever disqualified from babysitting my children – well, once I get around to having some, anyhow.

            

 My seven-cow rating system is completely inadequate to the task of conveying just how much I hated this movie. In fact, the only good thing I can think of to say about Bruno is that it’s optional. Please, act accordingly.Of course it would make a great gag gift or dirty Santa gift...just saying