MOVIE REVIEW: GROWN UPS

GROWN UPS

One of Seven Cows

This has been the worst Summer movie season that I can remember. With the exception of The Karate Kid, which was merely boring instead of bad, Hollywood’s efforts this Summer have been mind-numbingly awful. But, alas, I am an optimist and every week I check the listings certain that something good will be on offer. This week’s new releases are The Last Airbender, a fantasy by M. Night Shyamalon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I couldn’t bring myself to see either.

             

But this is a movie review, you say. He owes us a movie review! No, I owe you an explanation, and here it is: I hate fantasies. That being the case it’s impossible for me to be a fair reviewer of even a good one and The Last Airbender, by all available evidence, is not a good one. The reviews have been terrible, which is sad because Shyamalan began his directorial career with the truly spectacular The Sixth Sense. Since then it’s been a long, slow slide into movie-making irrelevance. How sad.

             

Secondly, I will not see any of the Twilight series on moral grounds. What has been done to vampires, beginning with Anne Rice’s Interview With The Vampire and reaching its obvious conclusion in the Twilight series, is nothing short of defamation. Vampires are monsters. They are scary. They are not love interests. They are not romantic. Buff little Biffs with waxed chests and too much makeup are an affront to all the living dead that have come before. Were vampires able to bear the sunlight I’m certain they would be organized and protesting this abomination. Instead it falls to me to give voice to the voiceless. We shall overcome.

             

None of this is to say that I wasn’t motivated by a sense of duty to go see a movie for this review. I did. Grown Ups has been in theaters for a week, and if the theaters have any sense it will not be for another. This is a bad, bad movie. Starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade and Rob Schneider, Grown Ups is an alleged comedy about a reunion of childhood friends. It’s awful. What more do you need to know? I’m praying next week brings something, anything, that I can go see with at least a sliver of optimism. Otherwise I may be forced to suspend this column until Hollywood starts making movies again.