MOVIE REVIEW: 2012

One of Seven Cows

I’m a half-hour into the new apocalyptic blockbuster 2012 and I can literally feel the brain cells being sucked out through my pupils. When I entered the theater I was a smart guy with an IQ of, well, I don’t want to brag but it was at least seventy-six. By the time this movie was finished with me I was drooling on myself open-mouthed, shoving Juicy-Fruits up my nose and babbling incoherently about how the government ought to be running our healthcare system. So, I apologize in advance for the quality of this review, as I’m now officially a moron. Thank you 2012.

Roland Emmerich directed Independence Day, which wasn’t bad, and The Day After Tomorrow, which was – both of which relied heavily on inflated special-effects budgets for much of their thrills. But where the former film used special-effects in service of the story, the latter seemed to use them simply because it could. In 2012 what there is of a story is used in the service of the special-effects – never a good idea. What you get is the most ludicrous series of exploding, collapsing, spinning, tumbling, bumbling and crumbling scenery that has ever been put to screen. The action is all so ridiculous that I actually felt insulted.

John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Danny Glover and others star, though they are simply cashing in so rating their performances is pointless. They’ll make a bazillion dollars, and then hopefully go on to make some low-budget art films to get the taste out of their mouths. Cusack has made some of my favorite movies – Say Anything, The Grifters, High Fidelity – so seeing him sell out like this is especially disappointing.

As I was leaving the theater I overheard someone say, “That was awesome.” That was the last thing I expected, but it’s good to be reminded that not everyone is a critic. There are people who enjoy this sort of thing, and who am I to say they’re wrong? Perhaps I was too involved with trying to find witty ways to insult the film that I missed the nuances of its plot, the subtlety of the performances. Maybe Amanda Peet got naked and I missed it. But somehow I doubt it. This is a very bad movie, which is perhaps why I didn’t see any cows being loaded onto the ark at the end – this movie deserves none, but I can’t do that so one cow it is.