MOVIE REVIEW: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Two of Seven Cows

I hope all ends well for Freddie in the new, seriously-not-improved A Nightmare on Elm Street. I really do. Before playing “Human Torch” for a mob of angry parents he seemed like the simple, kiddie-loving sort. Maybe he got a bit Michael Jackson on them, maybe he didn’t, but apparently his literal trial-by-fire is what turned him into Edward Scissorhand’s evil twin. I’m guessing he was innocent just as I’m guessing Michael was not, but in either case I’ll never be sure: I walked out on Freddie before the truth was revealed, just as Michael moon-walked out on us.

If you’re not familiar with the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise I’ll sum it up for you: There’s a scary, burned-up guy named Freddie with knives for fingers that kills you in your sleep. Try to foil him by refusing to fall asleep and eventually your body will start experiencing “micro-naps” that allows Freddie to get you even when you’re awake. Scary. Spooky. Gory. Yawn.

There really is irony in the fact that I could hardly stay awake during this boring mess. Director Samuel Bayer cut his teeth directing music videos, and it shows. A Nightmare on Elm Street isn’t so much a movie as it is a string of spooky and exceedingly-bloody dream sequences, strung together by the thinnest of plots and populated by characters that you’d often like to kill yourself.

None of the performances are worth mentioning as they are uniformly uninspired, but I will make note of the fact that it’s hard to be drawn into the teenage angst of high-school students facing death when all of those students look twenty-five years old. I had assumed that older actors were used to avoid charges of kiddie-porn when the characters disrobed, but there was no nudity in the seventy minutes of the movie I could stomach so go figure. Besides, the only real hottie got killed early rendering all subsequent potential nudity sub-par and disappointing in advance.  Not that I’d watch that sort of thing, of course.

To be honest I’ve never paid enough attention to the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise to know if this remake of the original adds anything new or not. I’m assuming Freddie’s back story is new, but frankly the movie is so bland I don’t care. In fact, this review of A Nightmare on Elm Street is infinitely more entertaining than the actual movie, so send me your six bucks and skip the flick. I give it two cows.